


Middles

by lizzledpink



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-24
Updated: 2012-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-30 01:31:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/326273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzledpink/pseuds/lizzledpink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Really, after everything that's happened, it's about time Spike dragged his sorry arse out to see Joyce Summers. (Post-S5, pre-S6.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Middles

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Glitteringworlds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glitteringworlds/gifts).



He can't visit _her_ grave, so he might as well visit the other grave he's been avoiding. There's probably irony in all this. Dead bloke can't even pick up his own carcass to properly mourn the folk he should, or something like that. He tells that little voice to piss off. His are the feelings at stake here, after all. Pun certainly not intended.

Spike lays the flowers at the foot of her grave. He sits down, all cross-legged like a kid begging his mum for a treat, and decides he might as well speak. It's not like he's got enough sanity left to convince himself it's worth the effort to avoid being thought of as mad. 

"First order of business, Mrs. Summers, and it's the most important," he begins. "Turns out Skye buggered off with Martin after all. You and I both know he'll never treat her right, but they haven't been back to the show yet, so I guess we'll find out later what happens there. 

"Now that the update's out of the way, I'm sure you know the rest of what's been going on. If you don't, you'll prob'ly suss it out right enough, with what I'm saying." Spike stares into some distant spot beyond her grave, and gives her a hooked smile. "It's... been a long time. I should have visited you earlier, but I thought you'd be angry. Dawn had to go and drag me along in her necromantic dabblings. She's trouble. 

"I'm... I'm taking care of her. 's not easy. She's got the Summers blood, and the stubbornness to go with it. You'd be proud. But I'm doing my best. Know that's not much to say from a vampire, but it's gotta be something. I'm just going to assume you understand. You and me, we always got along. 

"Wish I could've told you, though," he mumbles now, dropping his gaze. 

His hand crumples arond the flowers slightly, before he puts them down. He doesn't mention that they're the same kind he brought to the doorstep long ago, only to be turned away by Xander. They're bright like sunshine, and that's why they're hers. Joyce, like Buffy, had that bright sunshine hair. 

"I feel like I lied to you, Joyce. I didn't, but felt like it. I'm sorry I never told you. Meant to, I did," he says. He swallows for a moment, closing his eyes. "You were gone before I could let you know how I felt about Buffy. I regret that. Yeah, okay, so Buffy was being a bit of a... Well, I'm not going to call her that in front of you, Mrs. Summers, but she wasn't being pretty about things. Which maybe I deserved. Or didn't, I..." 

Spike grinds his teeth, and rubs his forehead with the palm of one hand. "I don't know! I don't know. How to look at any of it any more. I loved your daughter. Made a promise to her and I'm keeping it. Made a promise to you, too, even if I never said it. You were always... sweet. You gave me bloody marshmallows. Then you were gone and things fell apart. Wanted to be there for Buffy. Couldn't. Wanted to do a whole lot of things. Wanted to save her." 

Something cracks in his voice as he continues. "I could have done. I can't sleep. Look outside, see the daylight, and I'm bloody _useless._ Just like I was then. Even at night, it's the same. Could have swung up there to try and help, could have tried to get to Dawn first, could have helped her fight. I can't stop, Joyce. Every time I think I've found every possible way I failed her, my brain goes and gives me another fucking way I could have _stopped_ it. Then she'd be here. She'd hate me but she'd be here.

"I'm sorry. Vampires, we don't do guilt. Comes with the whole sans-soul demon package and all that, but every time I close my eyes there's another mistake I made and something in my chest, something raw, just pulls. It's not guilt. Couldn't be. But it hurts like guilt. I don't get it. I don't understand any of it. Not supposed to feel guilty, just maybe think my decisions were dumb sometimes. But fuck, I'm not supposed to be loving a Slayer, either, now am I? And I've been doing that a long time.

"Wish you could tell me how I'm supposed to deal with that. Nobody else gets it. Dawn doesn't seem to, kind as she is. You always got it though. Told me what to do about Dru, even. And you were right. Maybe Buffy being gone... maybe that's a thing I deserve. 

"But you, Joyce. You were too bright. Blinding. Blinded me. Ray of light in all the sodding drama that goes on around this damnable town. Maybe you'd say I'm right to suffer, or maybe you'd tell me the whole thing was bollocks, but I can't know now, can I? You were brilliant. Treated me the way your daughter did, and only your daughter. Like a man. And you never once teased me about my Passions. A man's gotta have his telly, way I see it. You understood that. Maybe Buffy was... right. But you, you were just unfair. For everybody. For the world. Hope you know that." 

Spike quiets. He uncrosses his legs, and stands up. 

"Thanks. I've gotta go check on the little Summers now, I think. It's about this time of night she always does something she shouldn't, and even if she hasn't, I'm sure I can make sure she _does_ get up to something. Safe-like, of course." 

He opens his eyes, and smiles. "See you around," he says, turning. He walks without another glance. 

Back to his duty. As ever.


End file.
